I feel awful. I have some very bad news. A friend of mine has passed away. A good friend. I dont want to get into the details until I find out what happened. I got the call from a mutual friend at 11pm and have been sick with grief since. I cant comprehend it. It wont hit me. I feel like its some sick joke. Anyways, I am even closer to his brother and I need to give him a call today at some point. I dont even know what to say. I just wish I could be there instead of having to comfort him over the phone. He just got married in May and I couldn't make it for that. Its all so frustrating. I cant wait to get back home.

Our trip to Sweden went okay. It was extremely stressful for me. I got sick everyday I guess from lack of sleep and my nerves. I did manage to enjoy some of it. Ronny and the kids had a good time and that is all the matters. =) You can see the pictures by clicking here.

Sorry guys but that is it from me for now. I feel sick. Will be back later.

*updated August 27th*

Well I have more details. My friend took his life. I spoke to his brother last night on the phone (we are extremely close) and he was so shaken. It was a good/bad conversation. My dear poor brother. I have never heard him that way. He sounds like he is in complete shock. There are so many things he said that made me start crying from the beginning, one of which was how much he wished Ronny and I were closer. He said he missed us but it meant so much for me to call him from the other side of the world. I promised I wouldnt cry and I apologized when I started but he said that it helped to hear others grieve because he feels so numb and it helps him to feel as well. He told me the whole story about how his brother passed (I wont get into details) but he went peacefully which does make me feel better. One of my fears was that it was violent but it wasnt. He had planned this out. He put all his affairs in order. He left a note saying he knew he was being selfish but he felt that by living he was just continously hurting those who loved him. He said he wanted to leave things in Jehovahs hands. When Nate told me that, I felt so much better. I know he was sick and his thinking was warped but he did love Jehovah till the end. In his own way. I just really wish we could have told him how much we loved him. Evidentally he told friends he had thought about suicide and although they were worried and kept a close watch on him, they obviously couldnt watch him all the time. I just wish I could have helped somehow. His parents are devastated as you can imagine. Poor Nate kept saying he didnt have anyone left. Eric was his only sibling. He ended the sentence by saying "I have you of course, you were always my sister." which of course made me cry even more. Jehovah's organization is a beautiful thing. The friendships you make are for life. Here we are both married and on opposites side of the earth, it was 3 am in the morning for me but we were there for each other to comfort one another as brother and sister in our grief. And that brings me so much comfort. I feel that I have lost a brother as well and Nathan also respects that. One of the first things he said was "I am so sorry because you knew Eric more than most. You guys were close." He also said that although it was often said he really felt that it meant a lot if others prayed for him and his family. He felt knowing that petitions were made on their behalf for strength from Jehovah made him feel better so please do keep him and his family in your prayers.

I am so glad that Nathan got married a few months ago. He will not have to deal with this on his own as he now has a lovely wife. Nathan wasn't much older than Eric but he felt responsible for him, especially when they were rooming together at Bethel. They were so totally different although they are brothers. Nathan is very easy going and laid back. Doesnt allow things to get to him whereas Eric was extremely sensitive and often moody. The great thing about the two of them is they are always smiling. That is the first thing that drifted through my mind when my friend told me about Eric. I could see his beautiful smile in my mind. Suddenly, all these memories are overwhelming me. I can hear his laugh, his voice. Things I would never have remembered the day before are suddenly so important for me to remember and pop up suddenly. We were so very similar even having the same temperament. I often acted as mediator between the two brothers as they had trouble communicating. I loved them as my own brothers although was always closer to Nathan. I wish I could be there for him now. We have been through so much together as friends and this has to be one of the hardest things either of us could have gone through. I had just received a beautiful card from Nathan in the post when I returned from Sweden thanking us for our wedding gift and it contained a framed picture of them. It was such a lovely card, expressing how much I mean to him as a friend. I hurt so much for him now.

Nathan said he was angry at Eric at first but knew that I would be able to understand where Eric was coming from as I had also been suicidal quite a few times in my life although a long time ago when I was in my teens. Nathan never suffered from loneliness or depression like his brother so obviously it would be hard for him to understand. After our conversation he said he didnt feel angry at Eric anymore but just angry at the situation and I said that is totally understandable. I am angry at the situation as well. Yesterday when I went out with Ronny I was looking at the blue sky and thinking that Eric wont be seeing it again for a while. I was thinking although life is so difficult, its also beautiful and I felt so appreciative that I got over my depression for now. That I can look at the beauty in life and it no longer hurts me as it used to. I can enjoy it. I wish Eric could have gotten to that point. But I know that if Jehovah sees it fit to bring him back he will be able to really enjoy life in paradise without his illness. But until then, I will miss him very much. I cant wait to see his beautiful smile again.