I feel awful. I have some very bad news. A friend of mine has passed away. A good friend. I dont want to get into the details until I find out what happened. I got the call from a mutual friend at 11pm and have been sick with grief since. I cant comprehend it. It wont hit me. I feel like its some sick joke. Anyways, I am even closer to his brother and I need to give him a call today at some point. I dont even know what to say. I just wish I could be there instead of having to comfort him over the phone. He just got married in May and I couldn't make it for that. Its all so frustrating. I cant wait to get back home.

Our trip to Sweden went okay. It was extremely stressful for me. I got sick everyday I guess from lack of sleep and my nerves. I did manage to enjoy some of it. Ronny and the kids had a good time and that is all the matters. =) You can see the pictures by clicking here.

Sorry guys but that is it from me for now. I feel sick. Will be back later.

*updated August 27th*

Well I have more details. My friend took his life. I spoke to his brother last night on the phone (we are extremely close) and he was so shaken. It was a good/bad conversation. My dear poor brother. I have never heard him that way. He sounds like he is in complete shock. There are so many things he said that made me start crying from the beginning, one of which was how much he wished Ronny and I were closer. He said he missed us but it meant so much for me to call him from the other side of the world. I promised I wouldnt cry and I apologized when I started but he said that it helped to hear others grieve because he feels so numb and it helps him to feel as well. He told me the whole story about how his brother passed (I wont get into details) but he went peacefully which does make me feel better. One of my fears was that it was violent but it wasnt. He had planned this out. He put all his affairs in order. He left a note saying he knew he was being selfish but he felt that by living he was just continously hurting those who loved him. He said he wanted to leave things in Jehovahs hands. When Nate told me that, I felt so much better. I know he was sick and his thinking was warped but he did love Jehovah till the end. In his own way. I just really wish we could have told him how much we loved him. Evidentally he told friends he had thought about suicide and although they were worried and kept a close watch on him, they obviously couldnt watch him all the time. I just wish I could have helped somehow. His parents are devastated as you can imagine. Poor Nate kept saying he didnt have anyone left. Eric was his only sibling. He ended the sentence by saying "I have you of course, you were always my sister." which of course made me cry even more. Jehovah's organization is a beautiful thing. The friendships you make are for life. Here we are both married and on opposites side of the earth, it was 3 am in the morning for me but we were there for each other to comfort one another as brother and sister in our grief. And that brings me so much comfort. I feel that I have lost a brother as well and Nathan also respects that. One of the first things he said was "I am so sorry because you knew Eric more than most. You guys were close." He also said that although it was often said he really felt that it meant a lot if others prayed for him and his family. He felt knowing that petitions were made on their behalf for strength from Jehovah made him feel better so please do keep him and his family in your prayers.

I am so glad that Nathan got married a few months ago. He will not have to deal with this on his own as he now has a lovely wife. Nathan wasn't much older than Eric but he felt responsible for him, especially when they were rooming together at Bethel. They were so totally different although they are brothers. Nathan is very easy going and laid back. Doesnt allow things to get to him whereas Eric was extremely sensitive and often moody. The great thing about the two of them is they are always smiling. That is the first thing that drifted through my mind when my friend told me about Eric. I could see his beautiful smile in my mind. Suddenly, all these memories are overwhelming me. I can hear his laugh, his voice. Things I would never have remembered the day before are suddenly so important for me to remember and pop up suddenly. We were so very similar even having the same temperament. I often acted as mediator between the two brothers as they had trouble communicating. I loved them as my own brothers although was always closer to Nathan. I wish I could be there for him now. We have been through so much together as friends and this has to be one of the hardest things either of us could have gone through. I had just received a beautiful card from Nathan in the post when I returned from Sweden thanking us for our wedding gift and it contained a framed picture of them. It was such a lovely card, expressing how much I mean to him as a friend. I hurt so much for him now.

Nathan said he was angry at Eric at first but knew that I would be able to understand where Eric was coming from as I had also been suicidal quite a few times in my life although a long time ago when I was in my teens. Nathan never suffered from loneliness or depression like his brother so obviously it would be hard for him to understand. After our conversation he said he didnt feel angry at Eric anymore but just angry at the situation and I said that is totally understandable. I am angry at the situation as well. Yesterday when I went out with Ronny I was looking at the blue sky and thinking that Eric wont be seeing it again for a while. I was thinking although life is so difficult, its also beautiful and I felt so appreciative that I got over my depression for now. That I can look at the beauty in life and it no longer hurts me as it used to. I can enjoy it. I wish Eric could have gotten to that point. But I know that if Jehovah sees it fit to bring him back he will be able to really enjoy life in paradise without his illness. But until then, I will miss him very much. I cant wait to see his beautiful smile again.

Hello my dear friends. Thanks for all the congrats. So sweet of you guys. I love the support you all show me, it means a lot. *grin*
Anyways, we are off to Sweden tomorrow. Have to wake up at 2:30am!!! Because of what is going on with the airports in this country, the security is crazy. And this is a really no-frills airline so things can get a bit messy. Thankfully the flight is only for an hour and 15 min. But Ronny wants to get there way in advance. We are flying in to Goteberg where his mom will pick us up. Then we have to drive to Falkenberg and drop her off at home and then drive 4 hours to pick up the kids and then 4 hours back. I dont envy Ronny all that driving. I really need to get my license cause I feel bad that I cant help him out. So am going to force him to go to bed very early tonight so he gets a decent amount of sleep. I still need to do loads of packing and things. Fun.
I am a bit nervous. I always get nervous when I go to Sweden. I dont know why. I think this time its mainly because we will have the kids for 3 days. We have never had them overnight before and I am just really nervous about how they are going to react being away from their mom (mainly worried about Jonathan) and also how they are going to react to me. I am sure it will be fine. It always is. I can get stressed out though. Its not an easy situation. Felicia is starting school on Monday and Jenny has said she doesnt want me there. I can actually understand and respect that but it still stinks. I want to be there and take pics but I will step down. I am going to tour Kalmar during that day instead. It should be nice. I am looking forward to (or at least trying to psyche myself up) to have some me time to walk around and relax. I am starting to convince myself though. =) It is going to suck knowing that they are a "happy family" at Felicia's school even though I know that is not how it really is. Girls, you know how we are. =) And I hate the way Jenny makes me feel. She is so psycho. She is nice to my face but talks bad about me behind my back. The only reason I am looking forward to seeing her is to show her all the weight I lost. Or kind of thrust it in her face, so to speak. But honestly dont even care about that. Why should I care what she thinks? Ah well. I know it will be fine. Please pray for me though. Its been very hard and I dont want to ruin anyone's fun, especially Ronny's. I dont want him to have to worry about me. I want to be okay with him focusing on his family and kids cause he rarely sees them and we are moving far away back to the States.
Ok that is all. I will post when I am back with a full account and loads of pics. =) Love you!

I have some good news again. I received my massage exam results in the post yesterday: I PASSED AND WITH HONORS!!!!!!! So I am a qualified massage therapist. I cant believe it. All my hard work paid off. I have to admit, I was a bit worried I wouldn't pass but I can stop worrying now. The only sore spot is that they are unlikely to realize my qualification in the States (although they do all over Europe and Australia). I don't really have any desire to continue in massage but would like to study reflexology once we get back to NY. You need to be a therapist to be able to study reflexology so hopefully they will allow me to do so. I will keep you up to date on that situation.
I didn't lose that much last week. Only 1.5 lbs so we shall see how I did this week. I am hoping for at least 3-5lbs but I am coming on with my monthly so we'll see how that goes.
We are flying to Sweden on Friday and I cant wait. It should be really nice. I am a bit worried about the whole flight security thing. They are suddenly letting people bring onboard things from the duty-free shop (obviously they were going to as the shops would lose money otherwise) so that is good cause I would hate to not be able to bring on a book or my MP3 player. I do appreciate that they are trying to make everyone more secure. I am very relieved they caught them before it happened as it would have killed upwards of 4000 people. Awful. We are truly living in the last days. The bookstudy was so appropriate this week. And we know things are only going to get worse. I really want to get back to the States. Not because its safer there (its going to be the same everywhere) but because I dont want to put my family through the torment of our seperation. My mom was really freaking out the other day when this happened. So hopefully nothing major will happen until we get out. And if it does, we need to just trust in Jehovah.
I want to thank everyone for the kind complements and comments in my last post. They were so kind and made me feel really good. =) For you guys:






Be back soon!

Sorry that I havent posted in a while but we just finished our 3 day convention in Twickenham, London this last weekend. It was really wonderful! I wont get into major details for those of you who havent attended yet but it was just fantastic. Went far too fast. I wish it would have lasted longer as it was a relief to be able to just sit back and relax and focus on spiritual things. It was great to see some people attend from the campaign as well. Saw quite a few of those. The weather held up which was great. Only got really hot yesterday. The great thing is that they had it broadcasted on the radio and for the last quarter of each day, when it was getting really hot and the seats (horrible!) where getting to our backs, we would go to the car and catch the rest of the program. It was difficult to hear the first two days in the stadium as there was construction going on besides the fact that all the planes from Heathrow fly right over the stadium and quite low so its pretty noisy but Ronny and I brought my headphones and my MP3 player which has a radio and were able to hear that way. Our highest attendance was almost 25,000 (all of the witnesses in London attend) with on average about 275 Russian brothers visiting us. We had 104 baptized which was wonderful as well. =) Ronny realized (Saturday night) that I could tape talks on my MP3 player (since it records the radio) and unfortunately although I thought I taped the whole program on Sunday (excellent!) it didnt as I would take out the headphones to use on the other MP3 player (dont know why!) and it would cause static and wouldnt record. So only got the public talk but happy with that anyways. We have our circuit assembly at the very beginning of September so really happy to realize that with the microphone, I can record the whole thing on my player! I love it, its such a good player and totally worth the money. Far better than an overrated iPod.
Anyways, didn't take as many pictures as I wanted (sorry!) and I really hate the picture of me in the black dress (although I felt amazing in it!) but promised to share so here is the few I have. I am definitely wearing an Indian sari at our assembly. I saw loads of sisters wearing them this convention (they are so cool!) and wish I had gone for it. Lots of brothers in African dress as well which was lovely. Ronny wants to get traditional Swedish dress for next year. You know I will be posting pictures of that, if it happens!! =)
Anyways, have my weight in tonight. I think I did bad this week. Dont feel like I have lost a pound. *blush* But really getting strict this week and moving our treadmill in our guestroom. Going to try and workout at least a little bit everyday.
Talk to you guys later!