Okay I have decided to post before I lose my nerve. I seriously thought I would just give up on posting on here. I doubt anyone really visits anymore and I wouldnt blame them with my sporatic blogging. But I desperately need an outlet and TBH I havent used my blog as a proper outlet in forever. So if no one reads this that is fine, I just need to get my thoughts out there.
I have gained almost all the weight I lost last year. I cannot tell you how much this devastates me. Not in a superficial, oh drat kind of way. In a soul churning, pit of despair and hopeless devastation. I think I truly believe I will always be unhealthy. I cannot believe how fast the weight came back on. I dont even want to think about it. For the past two months I have been seriously trying to get my mind back on losing weight in a healthy way. I have a free gym membership and was going regularly and loving it until I got sick and it threw my whole routine off. I really REALLY need to start a regime. I cannot take this anymore. Its going to kill me emotionally and physically. I am totally cheating myself. Here is how:
1. I do not have the physical prowess I would like to have. Tired all the time, sick of losing my breath so fast for little things. Just hate being so sluggish.
2. I HATE the way I look. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror now. I tend to disgust myself. Coming in and out of the shower is the worst.
3. I cannot buy clothes I want. I cannot walk into any store and think, yes I like that, Ill try it on. I am very limited in where I can shop. Working in Soho this is NOT fun.
4. I am tired of that constant nagging feeling of being aware how I look ALL the time. Thinking, wow, do I look even fatter if I sit like this or if I tilt my head to the right do I have three chins instead of two? I cannot believe how much of my time is consumed by thinking about how fat I am. Its insane.
5. I would like to have the option of having a baby. At the moment, I will not even consider it. I would be a high risk pregnancy and that wouldn't be fair to my baby or me. I want to be healthy when I bring my child into the world if I choose to have one.
6. I just want to be able to go through life and worry about other things besides being fat. I want to see myself the way my husband does and I want to FEEL beautiful.
7. I have been fat most of my life. Last year for a few months I experienced what it would feel like with being okay with myself. It was amazing. I want that again. I am young, I want to FEEL young and feel good.
These are just a few of the reasons why I MUST lose weight. There is no option anymore. None. I cannot go on like this. I just cant.
I am sorry for the crazy post but my health is rapidly declining due to stress and I believe depression. My weight may not be the cause but it plays a role. I do not want to go on medication, I dont want to be sick all the time, I dont want to cry and be miserable and have ridiculous dizzy spells and horrible heart palpitations. I need to take control. If that means I get help, then I will get help but I will not give in. I wont give in to my despair.